"As most all of you know last Friday I left for Ecuador where the plan was to spend a little over a month serving in that country. As most of you don't know (though some of you do) I came home this past Tuesday. Before I go any further I AM OKAY. While there I got pretty overwhelmed by everything, began to feel like I was no longer supposed to be there and so after some time talking with the missionaries there, some staff members there, and praying I felt it was best that I came home so arrangements were made. I am very thankful for those that have already shown your support and I understand that not all of you will be supportive of this decision however, it comes down to this... I believe that I was obedient to God in going to Ecuador, but I also believe that I was obedient in coming home and I will stand on that knowing that even if many of you do not support this decision God is with me.Now I do want you all to know that this trip was not wasted at all. God spoke to me about several things for the few days that I was there, brought new friends into my life, and allowed me to feel the love of a family I didn't know I had in the Chacauco staff. He is also about to teach me through this season of answering everyone's questions and dealing with I'm sure some very not so supportive people. There are things that God has taught me and is currently teaching me that I could not have learned with out making this trip and I trust that His hand has been on every decision made about this trip. God never told me that I would be there the whole five weeks, He just told me to go and expected me to be obedient enough to do so. I am very thankful for all of the prayers and support that have been provided up until this point and I pray that it will continue."
I understand (more now than when I actually posted that) that many of you will not understand, nor will you be supportive of the fact that I'm home. What I would like to say to those of you is can you honestly say that you know what God is saying to me, and what God is doing in my life better than myself? If so than I would love to sit down and have a cup of coffee or maybe do lunch. I hope that this doesn't come off rude, and forgive me if it does, but you are not me. You do not know me, nor do you have any right at all to judge my relationship with God. I don't judge yours because that is not my place just as it is not your place to judge mine. My point is, don't be so quick to question my salvation, or to say that I can't discern the will of God for my life. You are not me and you have no idea what God has or has not spoken over my life. I am not perfect and I will not pretend to be so (too much responsibility for that and I'm not God), but I believe I have a very close relationship with my God. Is it as close as I would like it to be? Far from it, but I am constantly growing and pray that you are as well. I want you to know that I say all of this in love but I want you all to be aware that this is how I feel about it.
Now on the same note, I want to be open and honest with you as I always try to be on this blog. Through all of this, especially in coming home, I realize that I have an idol. My idol is caring far too much about what people think of me. When I felt that God was bringing me home I knew I didn't understand and therefore I knew others wouldn't either. This made me waver. My first thoughts were what will people think when I come home and they understand it about as much as I do? What will they say about my relationship with God? Will they be disappointed? Will they be upset? Then I had to realize that I can't go on what other people think of me. My biggest fear coming home was what people would think when they found out I came back. Especially when I tried to explain as best I could and it wasn't enough for them.
Through coming home God has made me face this idol and deal with it head on. There are many who are against me right now, and who are even going as far as questioning my salvation (as I addressed above). Because of this I have had to lean on God and only God because I never know who is for me or against me. I sit in the midst of hundreds who I used to trust to have my back only to fidget and wonder who of those people have now turned their back on me. I still love them, please don't misunderstand that and if you are one of those people (and yet for some reason are still reading this post) I STILL LOVE YOU... However, it is indeed a painful experience. It has been a process and I realize that I should have always been leaning on God and Him alone. I knew that I had a problem caring too much what people think I just never knew it was this bad until I had to come home and face the idol I allowed it to become in my life.
Please know that God has a purpose for doing everything, and nothing He allows to happen is wasted. God spoke to me about things I personally could have only really learned by going to Ecuador and He did the same thing bringing me back as early as He did. I trust Him and His plan even though I don't understand. I just pray that you will have my back, however if you do not... the One who matters, does. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Love you friend!
In Christ,
Kelcy
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