When I walk into a room, I feel as though everyone wants so badly for me to leave it. They wish I wasn't there. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. I know that most of those people don't even know I've walked in but you would find it impossible to convince me that every one in that room doesn't hate me the minute I walk in.
My life is hated until proven loved and even then my mind won't let me believe that there isn't apart of you that despises me. I get on your nerves. You wish I would leave already. "Oh great, there is Kelcy again.... why does she even try".... those are words that constantly enter my head about what you are probably thinking. It doesn't matter who you are.
Why am I telling you this? Well, don't think that I am not feeling pretty exposed but hopefully exposing what my life is like living with depression and anxiety will help you understand me a little bit more and people like me.
Sometimes you may think I am trying to hard. Sometimes you think I may over explain things, or backtrack to much, or sometimes I do things because of the way I feel and maybe you don't notice but I am pretty sure you do and will lay awake at night kicking myself over our entire conversation.
There are things I have said, conversations I have had that happened 5, 6 years or more ago that there is not a detail I couldn't accurately tell you about it because I hate that I even spoke. I can tell you the exact spot we were standing in. How big the table beside us was. The picture that was sitting on that table, how big it was, and what it was of. I can tell you more than likely what you were wearing and I was wearing. I can tell you what the set of flowers looked like on that table. Everything. I can tell you exactly what I said, how I said it, and what your reaction was.
Seems exhausting right? A little over-thought? Tell me about it.... It is. Some of you are rolling your eyes at me right now because you have no idea what its like and can't imagine that it's out of my control... but it is....
Those conversations from 6 years ago.... they still keep me up at night. You think I look tired.... I was probably up trying to remind myself that God really did put me on this earth for a purpose. I seem too awkward around people but it's because I am so uncomfortable and trying so hard to fight against my anxiety and it's voice telling me you hate me that awkward encounters are all that seemed to happen. I don't mean to seem like I am a million miles away if I ever do... I'm listening but I am trying to separate your words from the constant voice of anxiety in my head.
There are things I avoid doing and avoid going to because my anxiety has gotten so bad. I do my best to push myself to do things any way but sometimes I can just walk into that room full of people and be okay. I feel like I am suffocating. It's not you. It really is me.
Sometimes it is nice to know that you care. It's nice to have the benefit of the doubt. I'm not trying to be emotional, its just sometimes I can't help it when I feel like I am being tortured from the inside out.
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This is honestly how I feel every day. This post is straight from my heart. But I would be amiss to not remind anyone reading this that there are many people dealing with mental illness and it is serious. There are many people that feel this way other than me. It's exhausting. It's torture and getting up every day to deal with it is hard. It's hard not to want to escape. Let people in your life that may be struggling with mental illness know that you are there for them. That you care. 💚💚💚
To give an illustration I came across this picture the other day and thought it was a good representation of how anxiety can feel. It is worse than anyone can imagine or draw but this paints a pretty good picture:
-Kelcy
