Day One and Done!

So yesterday, as you all know, was New Year's Day. So, yesterday my husband and I started our journey to healthier living! We worked out for a little over an hour yesterday and thankfully we aren't feeling it too bad today since we were lucky enough to get in my parents hot tub last night. Yes, I know it was below freezing but the water was 102℉ so I think it works.

We had a great start to our New Year. We worked out, we spent time with family and we ate our greens and peas. I believe that this is going to be a great year.

With that being said, this is only the beginning. I know that days are going to come that are hard for us to get out of bed and making it to the gym in the mornings. I know that we aren't always going to want to eat the way we need to. I know that days are going to come when I am sure that I will never lose the weight but I am going to do everything I can to push thoughts like that away. I am going to push through and get up in the mornings because I know that I want to lose 130 pounds. I know that I want to feel better. I know that I want to be healthy. I want to be the best me, I can be and part of that is being healthier physically.

I worked out with a smile yesterday. When things got tough I told myself "just a little more, you've got this! 130 pounds, 130 pounds, 130 pounds!" I told myself that, because I am determined. I am going to do this. So day one of our long journey is done. I hate pictures of myself but this is part of it. It's pictures like this that motivate me to work hard for this weight loss. This isn't just a resolution. It is a journey to change and one that won't be taken lightly. 

Bring it day 2! I've got this. 

-Kelcy J.

Let's Do This!

My husband and I have agreed to make a resolution. Starting New Year's we will get up early in the mornings to head to the gym and spend time working out together. Our intention is to do this very often throughout the week. We will change our diet. We will get more rest than we are getting now. We will lose weight, and get healthy. I know some of ya'll might be coming across this post and thinking that you've heard this same resolution hundreds of times. I mean what could be more cliche than a resolution to lose weight and be healthy? However, we are dead serious.

My husband doesn't yet have a weight loss goal in mind (not that he is in serious need of one), but I do. I want to spend the next year losing 130 pounds. I know that this will not be easy but I know that it is possible. After I lose it, I am going to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

For those of you who don't know, I am a diabetic. I don't have to take insulin but I am on medication for it. Part of my goal is getting healthy enough to come off of my diabetes medication (with the doctors approval of course). It's not going to be easy. In fact, I know there are going to be days where it is really going to suck. There are going to be days where my depression fights to keep me in bed, and my anxiety tries to convince me to stay away from a gym full of people.... but I am going to get up. I am going to go. I am going to reach my goals.

Along with getting physically healthy, I am going to get spiritually healthy as well. If you know me than you know we haven't been in church as much as we should this past year. We stopped going to our Sunday school, I don't read my Bible every day, and I don't talk to God near as much as I used to. That is going to change but unlike the eating, that is changing NOW. I know that I am not perfect, but I know what I can be for God and I haven't been that this past year. So it's time for a change.

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So, now that you have been filled in I would love to hear any tips as far as eating healthy, making the most out of scheduling, making the most out of working out, etc. So please leave anything you have to say in the comments below. 

I haven't decided quite how I am going to go about it yet, but I may try to make a post every now and then about how things are going with our journey. Stay tuned and I will keep you updated!

As always, all your support is greatly appreciated. Please share with everyone and follow. Practice makes perfect and I will be trying to make my posts better all the time. 

-Kelcy J.

Moving Up

I very much enjoy writing this blog whenever I can, or when a weird mood strikes me. However, I have made a decision to make a few changes in order to better help my small little family. If I can make it work and figure it all out, this blog will now have AdSense. BUT WAIT!!! DON'T LEAVE!! It's good for both of us!

I appreciate all of the support I get already from you (the readers). Now I need your support more than ever! Doing this, and building a reader base more than what I have now, will help our income. In return for your help I am providing more of a service. I will be working on a schedule that works for my life to post on here regularly. To start with, I am going to try to do one day a week. My posts will also be changing some. I will be posting things that are helpful such as how I deal with our finances. How I tackle the craziness of life. Things that I am learning in my marriage. How I deal with issues that arise.

This also means being more transparent than ever before. It means being uncomfortable. I still want to share my life as a Christian wife first and foremost. Jesus is weaved into my daily life (nowhere close to perfectly). Jesus is my life. So He will be weaved in the things I share. This means I will also be sharing how I make time in my life for Him (which I am also not perfect at).

All of this also means, that I will be more open about my depression and anxiety. Something that I have just recently started opening up about. I hope that all of this will be helpful to whoever needs it. Life is difficult and it can be made more difficult with depression and anxiety, so I will be posting more about ways I am trying to learn to cope and things I do to sometimes make it through a day...

I will still post crazy random stuff on unscheduled days. I am just now adding this in.

Now here is where you come in. I need you to keep supporting. I need you to support me even more on this blogging journey. I need you to follow, I need you to share as much as you can with whoever you can whenever I post. Share ideas for posts to my email kelcyj9316@outlook.com! Things you want to see me write about. Things that are important to you! Comment. Like. Share!! I appreciate all of you and everything you already do in support.

It's going to be crazy, scary, and imperfect but it's okay. Thank you in advance for your continued support and your help!

-Kelcy J.

I Already Think You Hate Me

I'm not trying to be dramatic or too sensitive. It's the truth. I don't want to feel that way about everyone I come into contact with or everyone in the room at the time for that matter, but I do. My anxiety makes sure that I know you hate me. About 0.01% of my brain knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's not true but the rest of me.... my heart, the rest of my brain, every cell in my body believes it and is consumed with certainty that you in fact do hate my guts.

When I walk into a room, I feel as though everyone wants so badly for me to leave it. They wish I wasn't there. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. I know that most of those people don't even know I've walked in but you would find it impossible to convince me that every one in that room doesn't hate me the minute I walk in.

My life is hated until proven loved and even then my mind won't let me believe that there isn't apart of you that despises me. I get on your nerves. You wish I would leave already. "Oh great, there is Kelcy again.... why does she even try".... those are words that constantly enter my head about what you are probably thinking. It doesn't matter who you are.

Why am I telling you this? Well, don't think that I am not feeling pretty exposed but hopefully exposing what my life is like living with depression and anxiety will help you understand me a little bit more and people like me.

Sometimes you may think I am trying to hard. Sometimes you think I may over explain things, or backtrack to much, or sometimes I do things because of the way I feel and maybe you don't notice but I am pretty sure you do and will lay awake at night kicking myself over our entire conversation.

There are things I have said, conversations I have had that happened 5, 6 years or more ago that there is not a detail I couldn't accurately tell you about it because I hate that I even spoke. I can tell you the exact spot we were standing in. How big the table beside us was. The picture that was sitting on that table, how big it was, and what it was of. I can tell you more than likely what you were wearing and I was wearing. I can tell you what the set of flowers looked like on that table. Everything. I can tell you exactly what I said, how I said it, and what your reaction was.

Seems exhausting right? A little over-thought? Tell me about it.... It is. Some of you are rolling your eyes at me right now because you have no idea what its like and can't imagine that it's out of my control... but it is....

Those conversations from 6 years ago.... they still keep me up at night. You think I look tired.... I was probably up trying to remind myself that God really did put me on this earth for a purpose. I seem too awkward around people but it's because I am so uncomfortable and trying so hard to fight against my anxiety and it's voice telling me you hate me that awkward encounters are all that seemed to happen. I don't mean to seem like I am a million miles away if I ever do... I'm listening but I am trying to separate your words from the constant voice of anxiety in my head.

There are things I avoid doing and avoid going to because my anxiety has gotten so bad. I do my best to push myself to do things any way but sometimes I can just walk into that room full of people and be okay. I feel like I am suffocating. It's not you. It really is me.

Sometimes it is nice to know that you care. It's nice to have the benefit of the doubt. I'm not trying to be emotional, its just sometimes I can't help it when I feel like I am being tortured from the inside out.

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This is honestly how I feel every day. This post is straight from my heart. But I would be amiss to not remind anyone reading this that there are many people dealing with mental illness and it is serious. There are many people that feel this way other than me. It's exhausting. It's torture and getting up every day to deal with it is hard. It's hard not to want to escape. Let people in your life that may be struggling with mental illness know that you are there for them. That you care. 💚💚💚

To give an illustration I came across this picture the other day and thought it was a good representation of how anxiety can feel. It is worse than anyone can imagine or draw but this paints a pretty good picture:

-Kelcy

A Simple Dream Hard to Achieve

Growing up my dreams changed. I used to not want to have kids. I didn't care about getting married. I wasn't ambitious about the personal side of life. However, my career dreams were outrageous. Then I grew up. I met Jesus. My dreams kept changing but a few things became constant in what I wanted out of life... First, I wanted a husband. A best friend to stand with me. Hand in hand. Side by side. For better or worse. As long as we both shall live. Now, here I am coming up on our first wedding anniversary. It still doesn't even feel real sometimes.

The next dream I had was a house. Nothing fancy but big enough to accommodate us and four kids one day. Nice backyard for the kids to play in. Decent back porch with a swing. Maybe a garden in the front yard... Nice big kitchen table where we would always eat dinner as a family.

Then of course, as previously mentioned four kids. Obviously, I changed my mind on that too. Oh and my big outrageous career dream now? Stay-at-home mom and housewife. That's right. Cleaning house. Cooking (which is no big cause I L-O-V-E cooking), running errands, setting the tone of the home.... and all of the hundreds of other jobs ties into those titles.

Pretty simple dream right? Yet somehow.... that simple dream seems impossible to achieve. The economy sucks. When you get the better job its still not enough and yet you are watching everyone else with the same situations have everything almost handed to them.

Don't get me wrong. I know there are some people that are working hard and killing themselves to have the same dream but it seems like no matter how hard we try, we can never get where we want to be. Something always happens. Something always hits us. Something always comes and pulls us two or ten steps back... we get excited over a promotion or a better job only to find out that we still can't afford life.

I love my husband and I know without a doubt that he loves me, but you can't live on love. We just want our simple dream. We want to be able to have our own house. We want to be able to "afford" kids one day. I know they say you can never really "afford" kids but I just mean we can at least still make ends meet with them.

On very rare occasions we have hope. Then something rips it away or like most days we just feel like hard isn't the right word.... like its more along the lines of impossible. Our simple dream is impossible to achieve. That seems about right...

Ever feel like giving up?

-Kelcy J.

Time to be Honest

Let's get real for just a little bit. I know I don't always post but the truth is, sometimes I don't feel like I have anything interesting or worthy of posting. Sorry if this post is a little more serious than you wanted to read but it's time to get real about this. Mental Illness.

I struggle with Depression and Anxiety. I have severe panic attacks that sometimes I feel I won't make it through. I hate being in crowds of people because it feels like all of those people wish I wasn't there. I know in reality that they probably don't even notice, especially in huge crowds but it's impossible to convince my brain of that in the moment.

When I walk into a room of people, I feel like no one wants me there... the anxiety I feel makes my chest tighten and it gets hard to breathe so I often avoid such situations....

Getting out of bed and staying out, is a serious accomplishment for me. I could sleep all day, every day if only for the fact that I simply stay in a perpetual state of exhaustion. I ugly cry too much. I don't want attention, in fact when I cry I wish I was invisible even if the reason I am crying is not because of my depression. I feel embarrassed to cry at funerals or church.

I don't like to admit that I struggle with Mental Illness.... I like to pretend it's just being nervous or I didn't get enough sleep the night before but reality is I am a walking ball of nerves and I slept like a baby last night. I just woke up exhausted as always.

I often feel no motivation to go anywhere, do anything, or "have a life".

I already have thoughts running through my head about the ways people are judging me for this post. I feel like people think I am stupid, annoying, a waste of space, a burden.... "why does she even try" is a phrase I feel most people often think towards me about anything and everything. Whether it involves walking into a room, going after a dream, or posting a blog....

I am actively working to overcome my mental illnesses.... whether you believe me or not.

I don't think anyone made it to reading this line because I don't believe anyone really cares except my family.

I am thankful for my family... my husband, my parents, my sister.... they make sure that my anxiety doesn't lie to me about them....

Why am I posting this....? For me and for people like me. To remind myself and others that we are not alone. To say that Mental Illness is very real and can be very crippling. To be open and honest.  Finally, to stop being ashamed of my struggles....

Maybe you think I am weak... honestly I usually feel that way too but today, I've stayed out of bed. Today I posted a live video and didn't have a panic attack. Today I am hitting publish on this post and putting it out there. So right now... I feel like I am pretty strong... even just for a moment.

-Kelcy J.

George the Spider

For starters, I just want to say that if you judge me for this post, we are no longer friends.

I would like to tell you a story about my friend George and I. You see it all started when George decided to make his webbed home in our bush beside our door. I noticed one day that unlike most spiders that make webs on houses or porches, George didn't pack up and leave the next day or next week. George stayed. See George and I had boundaries. He stayed in his web and we stayed friends. As long as he was always there and in his web, George got to live. However, if George ever decided to disappear, he would become just like every other spider and the next time I saw him, he would have to die. So after about a month of George being here, increasing the size of his web and greeting us as we came home.... George disappeared.... Leaving only his web behind.....

Oh why George? Oh why...? You see this meant that if he returned.... George would have to be put to death..... Now if you don't know me I hate spiders so I thought we had a reasonable agreement on boundaries...

So tonight, after about three or four days.... George returned.... This might be too gruesome for some of you to continue reading....

My husband comes in and informs me that George has returned and I got ready to go outside and kill him. However, I was overcome with this weird excitement and said "HEY THERE GEORGE! How ya doin??". George of course had no reply but as I was getting ready to kill him.... I stopped. I just couldn't do it.... I HAVE ACTUALLY BEFRIENDED A SPIDER TO THE POINT THAT I CAN'T KILL HIM!!!!

Something has gone seriously wrong with my brain..... so.... ladies and gentlemen..... *******

These words were going to be followed by a picture and an introduction to George the spider... but I regret to inform you all that as I got close and blew (a little) on George to make him wiggle so I could find him on the camera.......... well...... George fell off and into the bush somewhere.... I ran.... just because I like George does not mean I trust George.... apparently George shouldn't trust me.....

THE END