Let's get real for just a little bit. I know I don't always post but the truth is, sometimes I don't feel like I have anything interesting or worthy of posting. Sorry if this post is a little more serious than you wanted to read but it's time to get real about this. Mental Illness.
I struggle with Depression and Anxiety. I have severe panic attacks that sometimes I feel I won't make it through. I hate being in crowds of people because it feels like all of those people wish I wasn't there. I know in reality that they probably don't even notice, especially in huge crowds but it's impossible to convince my brain of that in the moment.
When I walk into a room of people, I feel like no one wants me there... the anxiety I feel makes my chest tighten and it gets hard to breathe so I often avoid such situations....
Getting out of bed and staying out, is a serious accomplishment for me. I could sleep all day, every day if only for the fact that I simply stay in a perpetual state of exhaustion. I ugly cry too much. I don't want attention, in fact when I cry I wish I was invisible even if the reason I am crying is not because of my depression. I feel embarrassed to cry at funerals or church.
I don't like to admit that I struggle with Mental Illness.... I like to pretend it's just being nervous or I didn't get enough sleep the night before but reality is I am a walking ball of nerves and I slept like a baby last night. I just woke up exhausted as always.
I often feel no motivation to go anywhere, do anything, or "have a life".
I already have thoughts running through my head about the ways people are judging me for this post. I feel like people think I am stupid, annoying, a waste of space, a burden.... "why does she even try" is a phrase I feel most people often think towards me about anything and everything. Whether it involves walking into a room, going after a dream, or posting a blog....
I am actively working to overcome my mental illnesses.... whether you believe me or not.
I don't think anyone made it to reading this line because I don't believe anyone really cares except my family.
I am thankful for my family... my husband, my parents, my sister.... they make sure that my anxiety doesn't lie to me about them....
Why am I posting this....? For me and for people like me. To remind myself and others that we are not alone. To say that Mental Illness is very real and can be very crippling. To be open and honest. Finally, to stop being ashamed of my struggles....
Maybe you think I am weak... honestly I usually feel that way too but today, I've stayed out of bed. Today I posted a live video and didn't have a panic attack. Today I am hitting publish on this post and putting it out there. So right now... I feel like I am pretty strong... even just for a moment.
-Kelcy J.
